


Chalk One Up for Gregory the Smarmy

by greenstuff



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Comedy, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-18
Updated: 2012-07-18
Packaged: 2017-11-10 05:30:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/462704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenstuff/pseuds/greenstuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Albus Dumbledore asked Severus Snape to promote inter-house unity,  this probably was not what he had in mind...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chalk One Up for Gregory the Smarmy

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written for a fic exchange in 2009 and remains one of the Harry Potter fics I am most proud of. If you laugh at all I'll consider my mission complete. :)

_In The Dungeons_

Severus Snape had a cunning plan. Like the many Slytherins before him Severus Snape was a firm believer in plans, cunning or otherwise. And this was an especially cunning plan.

He smirked to himself as he added the final ingredient and gave a clockwise stir. The potion turned the desired light orange color, almost the exact shade of pumpkin juice. He very nearly smiled in self-satisfaction as he ladled the potion into three crystal vials and sealed the stoppers with a simple swish and flick. He wrote out Gregory's Unctuous Unction on a piece of Spellotape and attached it to a spare spot on his shelves. Two of the vials were deftly deposited into one of the many pockets of his voluminous robes and the third tucked away in its labeled place in his personal stores.

If Albus wanted him to end the inter-house animosity between his precious Slytherins and the ever-petulant and obnoxious Gryffindolts so be it. A little chemical assistance couldn't possibly hurt matters, so long as no one ever found out. Indeed, the only flaw he could see in the idea was that somehow the seemingly-omniscient headmaster might see through his scheming and force him to actually put forth an effort to stop tormenting the Gryffindors, thus depriving him of the only bright spot in a decidedly dismal existence. Ever since the damned war ended there had been nothing but endless months of teaching simpering morons how to stir counter clockwise without blowing themselves up.

He sneered impressively at a passing first year and smirked to himself when the child winced and tried to hide behind an obliging suit of armor.  _Inter-house Unity... humph_ he thought derisively.

\---

_The Torture Chamber formerly called Albus' Office_

"This being the first full school year since the defeat of Voldemort I've decided we must have a Christmas Ball!" Albus announced.

There was a silence so absolute that the distant shouts of students on the Quidditch pitch were the only sounds to be heard. Albus beamed delightedly at all of them seemingly unaware of the venomous glares he was receiving from his staff.

"Really, Albus!" Minerva McGonagall was the first to break the icy silence. "We, your  _staff,_ haven't suffered enough in the last year? Now you want to foist a Ball on our shoulders?"

The rest of the assembly nodded and muttered their agreement in decidedly resentful tones. Severus Snape alone was silent. This was the perfect opportunity to put his plan into motion and, as the plan was the only thing keeping him from dying of ennui, he was determined to see it through in the most spectacular fashion possible. There would be punch. Punch the exact color of pumpkin juice. It couldn't have been better if he had suggested it himself. Of course if he had suggested it himself he would have found himself in St. Mungo's in a nice white padded room before he could blink.

"Crazy old coot won't be happy until we're all as mad as he is. Drive us all batty he will with his Balls ..." the usually good natured Professor Sprout muttered angrily towards Madame Hooch who appeared to be incapable of speech.

Xiaomara was nearly frozen with rage, her mouth kept opening but not a single sound came out. Severus leaned forward in anticipation of the outburst about to follow this spectacular goldfish impersonation from the one woman on staff he could tolerate with equanimity. They had bonded years ago over a particularly potent bottle of fire whiskey and now met once a week or so in his chambers or hers to get completely pissed drunk and complain about Albus.

He leaned so far forward in his chair that one of the tiny vials of potion he had so carefully stowed away slipped out of its pocket and rolled out across the floor coming to rest inches from Sibyll Trelawney's bright purple shoes.  _Damn!_ He rose to retrieve it hoping against all hope she wouldn't notice him let alone talk to him.

"Pumpkin juice!" Sibyll cried delightedly as she picked up the vial and, without a moment hesitation downed the entire contents in one swallow.

Severus, too far away to intercept the precious bottle, cursed her under his breath with great feeling and creativity. He would have to make an entire new batch now unless he used the third bottle which he always kept on hand in case there were any adverse reactions and he had to brew an antidote. Working as minion to arguably the evilest man ever to live tended to leave one overly cautious. He threw himself back into his chair wishing against all reason that the vial had been full of something truly terrible. He lost himself in a temper tantrum fit for a two year old, completely ignoring the meeting as it concluded.

He was still fuming to himself when a hand tapped him on the shoulder. He turned to snarl at whoever dared to interrupt his rage and instead choked on a cloud of incense so thick he could see it hovering in a sickly purple haze around his intruder. When he could breathe again he gave her a vicious snarl capable of reducing first years to tears and snapped "Get out of my way you dippy fruit-bat!"

Trelawney blinked rapidly, looking very much like a startled insect, but did not move. "Severus dear, I wanted to thank you for the delicious pumpkin juice. The Sight told me that coming to this staff meeting was exactly what I needed today and as always it was right. I'm glad you're finally coming out of that shell of yours. Of course I've known all along you're not as nasty as you like to pretend, the Inner Eye is never fooled you know." She gave him a conspiratory wink and fluttered out of the room leaving a spluttering, speechless Severus staring after her with a look that could only be described as horror.

\--

_The Snake Den_

_No, no, nononononono_ Severus spun on his heel as he reached the east wall of his chambers turning to the west he continued to pace back and forth.  _It's not possible._ He raised a trembling hand to his face and rubbed the bridge of his hooked nose, a gesture that usually helped him think.  _How? Why? Oh Merlin..._

_No, Not Merlin…. **Albus**. _ He stopped dead in his tracks. If that meddlesome old windbag could just learn to leave well enough alone he wouldn't be in this predicament. Slytherins and Gryffindors had hated each other since their very beginning, who was Dumbledore to try and destroy such a glorious tradition.

With a ferocious growl worthy of Fluffy he stormed from his chambers in search of the Headmaster. Albus was just going to have to fix this that was all there was to it. Halfway to the Headmaster's chambers he thought better of the plan. It was humiliating enough that he had decided to brew, and use on students, a potion with no known antidote without running to the Headmaster to cry about it. He would simply have to create the antidote or, if that was a failure, a batch of undetectable poison.

He turned and headed straight for his personal lab not willing to let a moment go to waste, but when his trembling fingers dropped the pestle for the fifth time he admitted defeat. Tomorrow would have to be soon enough.

\--

_Crazy Going Slowly am I_

Severus gave a catlike stretch and opened his eyes. It was oddly light in the dungeons. He liked to wake up to a dimly lit chamber so he could gradually wake his body. He was, unsurprisingly, not a morning person. He squinted irritably against the offensive brightness. The devil responsible for this most unpleasant circumstance would feel pain he promised his burning eyes. Later, after he got more sleep. He turned over and, slapping the pillow more firmly over his head, went back to sleep.

The sound of whistling from his sitting room woke Severus a few minutes later. He growled unintelligible threats against whoever dared invade his sanctuary and stumbled out to face them, looking less fierce that he would have liked thanks to the regulation grey flannel night shirt he wore. He did manage to grab his wand from under his pillow before bursting into the room with all the subtlety of a Gryffindor.

What he saw stopped him in his tracks.

The year since Voldemort's defeat had lessened his paranoia a rather alarming amount. He no longer triple warded his chambers, nor did he block his fireplace form the floo network. He was coming to regret this.

Sitting in the middle of his sitting room as if she'd lived there all her life was Sybil Trelawney. She smiled sweetly at Severus and patted the seat next to her. "Good morning Severus! Come, have a cup of tea."

He blinked. She was still there. He pinched his arm. No, apparently not a nightmare. Without a word he walked over to the settee, grabbed her firmly by the arm and hurled her from his chambers. He cast the most complicated wards he could think of over the entranceway and staggered to his shower.

This could not be happening.

\--

_6 5 4 3 2 1 Switch_

The first class of the day was the ever dreaded fifth year Slytherin/Gryffindor double period. He had always thought fifth years were the worst to teach. The students weren't any stupider than any of the other dunderheads he had to teach; it was just that the pressure of upcoming OWLs combined with a more difficult curriculum than any before usually meant he had to be on his toes every second of every class.

Today the class would be purely theory. He didn't have the patience to deal with whinging morons or melted cauldrons today. He didn't really have patience well... ever, but he was especially short on it with Trelawney dogging his every step.

The class filed silently in taking their seats with as little disruption as possible. They had all seen enough of their Potions Master's rage to be cautious of it. He waited a few minutes, enjoying the feeling of tension in the air before fixing them with a stern gaze and laying out the assignment. Once he finished his lecture he was free to puzzle away at his own problems. Currently he was combing though some of the more obscure books from his Death Eater days. He knew the answer was in here somewhere. Really anything would do; an aversion potion, an undetectable poison, anything to send the dippy cow back to her tower for good.

He found it near the end of the period. It was very nearly absolutely perfect. The only flaw being that its recipe seemed to be more of a vague description rather than instructions to be followed. Still, if it worked half as well as Andros claimed it would be worth it. Although being as the wizard had named himself Andros the Invincible it wasn't likely that anything in his writings should be taken at face value.

He dismissed the class with as few words as possible and returned to his book. The man actually claimed that he could cure any potion under the sun with his elixir. Unfortunately for Severus the mad old man had been more preoccupied with gloating than actually instructing anyone how to make this miraculous concoction. He groaned and rubbed a hand over his tired eyes it would take months to hunt down the manuscripts that would allow him to begin in earnest. Perhaps poison was the way to go after all.

There was a knock at the door.

"Come in," he barked.

The door creaked slightly as it opened. A waft of familiar scent wafted over to him. He closed his eyes bracing himself for what was to come.

"Severus!" Trelawney exclaimed. "There you are! You missed lunch." She said waggling a finger at him. "Not to worry, I brought you a sandwich." She dropped the plate she had been carrying in the middle of his desk and beamed fondly at him.

Severus gagged and tasted bile in the back of his throat. The combination of incense and the nauseating squishy look she was giving him was apparently more than his iron stomach could take. He glowered at her. "Get out," he said flatly.

She took on a wounded look for a moment before apparently thinking better of it and scurrying from the room with a "feel better" tossed over her shoulder as she disappeared through the doorway.

Severus glared after her for a few seconds before slumping forehead first onto his desk. Unfortunately for the class of first years that were just beginning to trickle into the classroom, Severus had forgotten about the sandwich. The first child who dared to snicker at the bits of jelly still stuck to his head lost 50 points for his house and gained a month of detention with Filch.

\--

_Back in the Lab_

"DAMN!" Severus swore pitching the cauldron across the room with astounding force. It clattered noisily against the small pile of cauldrons already banished to the far corner of the Potions Master's private workroom. Each contained an abysmal failure in the quest to find a cure for Gregory's Unctuous Unction.

He had to find a cure or he would go absolutely barking before the end of the week. Just that morning the woman had had the audacity to tell him he looked peckish and wouldn't he rather have marmalade on that toast? He had managed to restrain himself from pouring a pot of scalding tea over her idiotic head only by using the full extent of his will power.

Pushing a lank piece of hair off his face he prepared another cauldron. He diced and chopped with precision adding the ingredients with a flick of his wrist or a twist of the stirring rod but found no peace in it. Usually potion making brought calm over him that restored him to himself, but he couldn't get those fluttery lashes from his mind’s eye, the nauseous feeling of horror from the pit of his stomach or the sick smell of incense from his nostrils.

When the clock chimed three Severus was forced to give up for the night. Giving the pile of discarded cauldrons a vicious kick he then cleaned them with a series of spells and magicked them back to their places on his workbench. Teaching class on three hours sleep was better than no sleep, maybe he could skip breakfast. Too bad he couldn't skive off from the Ball with that same excuse.

\--

_To Catch a Thief_

Severus had just finished vanishing the last bit of molten metal from the floor of his classroom when Sybil appeared at his door. After nearly two weeks of her following him and showing up uninvited and unwelcome in his chambers and classroom he could no longer smell her before he could see her. The sick scent of incense had become a permanent part of his nose.

"What?" he snapped irritably magicking the desks back to their original formation.

Sybil came up to him, she really had no concept of personal space, and placed a hand on his arm. "I need a favor Severus."

"Not bloody likely," he snarled ripping his arm away from her and walking over to his desk. He had found that the more furniture between them the easier it was to dodge the inappropriate touches.

"Come now Severus," she said, beating her lashes at him in what he was sure she thought was an endearing manner. "It's really nothing. A book I need for an experiment I'm doing. Madame Pince tells me you have the only known copy in England."

Severus narrowed his eyes. Though he had many rare books in his extensive library there was only one that Madame Pince had any knowledge of, Gregory the Smarmy's book. Suddenly every spy instinct that had been lying dormant for the last year jumped to life. What did she know? "If it's the only known copy in England I'm not likely to give it to  _you_  am I?" He asked moving to the door plainly indicating she should be as well. "Now if you don't mind..." He gave her a pointed look.

"But..." Sybil looked at him with wide sad eyes.

"OUT!" He yelled, his voice echoing sharply off the stone walls.

She paused for a moment a few meters from him, "I don't know what's wrong, Severus, but I hope you know that I want to help you. It's what friends are for."

"GET OUT!" He flung the door open dramatically and gestured for her to use it.

She did so with another wistful glance in his direction.

He glared her down until she disappeared down the hallway before releasing his anger in a more tangible way, by shattering every empty bottle in sight.

It took him the better part of an hour to restore all the glassware to its original pristine state and he returned to his rooms tired and collapsed on the sofa. He reached a hand above his head for Gregory's book. He was reading up more on the man's many potions hoping to find a key to unraveling the Unctuous Unction.

The book was gone.

Severus leapt up and began to search madly about the room for the precious volume. Paranoid thoughts leapt into his head but he pushed them down. He had the most powerful wards he knew on his door. Not even a house elf could get in. There was no way Trelawney could have even if she'd mustered the guts for a theft in the first place. Right?

\--

_Hell is a Dance Floor_

Severus was not a happy man.

Admittedly Severus was never a happy man. But this evening he was particularly unhappy with the world in general and Albus Dumbledore in particular.

He was surrounded by hormonal teenagers in formal wear. Even when he was a teenager himself he had hated Balls. As if the Gryffindorks needed an excuse to spike the punch. The music too had been akin to fingernails on a chalkboard combined with a screaming child. He swore his ears never recovered. In short, Severus Snape hadn't been this miserable since the Potter brat and his entourage was a part of his daily existence. And yet, as was the story of his life, things could always get worse.

"Severus!!!!"

He twitched as the unforgivably familiar and disturbingly gleeful female voice reached his ears. It had been three weeks since the meeting in Albus' office and every attempt to counter the potions effects had been complete failures. The stress was beginning to show.

"Severus dear, are you feeling alright?" The Divination teacher pressed one slender hand to his forehead.

Severus slapped the offending hand away and glowered down at the small woman as if she truly was the bug she so clearly resembled. "Trelawney, get away from me. Right. Now." He hissed through gritted teeth.

"Why Severus," she said, tilting her head to look him full in the face, her expression one of concern, "you don't seem yourself at all tonight. Shall I fetch you a glass of punch?" she asked in her most motherly voice.

"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU CRAZY HARPY!!!!!" Severus screamed in a voice much higher and louder than his natural speaking voice.

A handful of students turned to watch the commotion. Their houses suffered mightily for this moment's curiosity.

With a dramatic swirl of his robe Severus stalked of though the crowd of gawking students, deducting points from anyone who caught his eye, searching for an escape. "Fifty points from Ravenclaw Miss Brown for staring! Fifty points from Hufflepuff Mr. Evans for being an impertinent imbecile! Fifty points from Gryffindor Miss Weasley for stepping on Mr. Creevey's toes! One hundred points from Gryffindor Mr. Creevey for being a spineless whelp!"

Sybil, who apparently couldn't take a hint if it wrapped itself around her face, followed after him, muttering along the way how she had known he wouldn't be feeling well this evening. The Inner Eye was never wrong. He should have taken her advice and just stayed in his chambers, or hers she wasn't the type to be picky.

Severus quickly made his way to the darkest corner in the Great Hall and, after banishing a couple of Ravenclaw students who thought this was a good place to make out, leaned heavily against the wall. His hands reached deftly into his pocket and fished out the small flask of fire whiskey he hid there. The first sip burned the familiar hot trail to his belly and he allowed his tense muscles to relax. A few more gulps of the stuff and the horror of the last few weeks began to blur. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, the first since that meeting 3 weeks earlier.

"Here darling, I brought you some nice punch." Sybil trilled inserting herself much too far into his personal space.

He twitched and glared balefully at her, wishing fervently he could make her head explode purely from wishing it. Sadly his magic was too schooled for such spontaneous outbursts; he would have to content himself with murderous looks.

"Now don't give me that look dearest," Sybil said, persistently shoving the class of cold punch into his reluctant hands. "Have a nice drink and chat with me. Goodness doesn't Albus look colorful this evening?"

Severus took a deep breath. Or he tried to, halfway in he realized all he was getting was the putrid haze of incense that followed this particular bane of his existence wherever she went. He coughed his lungs clean with some effort and turned to leave. Blast Albus and his Balls, he was going to bed.

A thin hand grabbed him firmly about the wrist. "Severus! You haven't had any punch." Trelawney protested pointing to the still full glass he held in his hands. "Just take a sip. It'll make the bad mood just go away. The Sight showed me this moment Severus, you must drink!"

"If only you'd go away," Severus snarled. But it was to no avail, the infernal woman continued to try to coax him into sitting with her and having a nice cup of tea if he wouldn't have the punch. Finally he gave up and drained the entire glass in one gulp.

"That's right Severus," Sybil said with a triumphant gleam in her eyes, "Now, how about a dance with your best friend?"

No one at Hogwarts would ever forget the sight of their Potions Master and Divination teacher waltzing about the floor chattering happily together as if they'd been friends for years. It was the stuff of hallucinogenic mushrooms and childhood nightmares or, as only the pair of them knew, it was the stuff of Gregory's Unctuous Unction.

 


End file.
